


Manipulation

by UnityGhost



Series: Post-Asmodeus Sabriel Feels [15]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Caring Castiel (Supernatural), Caring Dean Winchester, Caring Sam Winchester, Comforting Castiel (Supernatural), Comforting Sam Winchester, Crying Gabriel (Supernatural), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Gabriel (Supernatural) Lives, Gabriel (Supernatural) Needs a Hug, Gabriel (Supernatural) has PTSD, Gabriel Has Issues, Hell, Hell Trauma, Hurt/Comfort, Lucifer's Cage, M/M, Panic Attacks, Platonic Sabriel, Post-Asmodeus Sabriel Feels, Post-Season/Series 13, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Castiel, Protective Sam Winchester, Sabriel - Freeform, Sam Winchester Has Issues, Sam Winchester Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Sam Winchester Has Panic Attacks, Sam Winchester Needs a Hug, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 09:36:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17281583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnityGhost/pseuds/UnityGhost
Summary: “Gabe, whether I’m okay doesn’t really phase me since I’ve never been anywhere near what most people would consider ‘okay.’ But so long as I’m bad enough to forget how to function, I can’t be any use to you.”





	Manipulation

**Author's Note:**

> Part 15 of Post-Asmodeus Sabriel Feels. I can't help myself. 
> 
> A response to this prompt from personface:
> 
> _Sam finds that maybe Gabriel was right. This is going on for too long and ever since Sam got caught in his break down it’s taking a toll on him… he just can’t do it anymore [discussion ensues]._
> 
> Thanks for the suggestion! I have more prompt responses coming up soon. There's, like, a list I have to get through. Always open to requests, though. 
> 
> Come say hi and/or contact me directly on Tumblr: http://unityghost.tumblr.com

The fear was too much.

Gabriel had been alone when that sick, heavy feeling washed over him. His stomach knotted and his hands shook. His heart pounded and his throat closed up.

There, in his bedroom, the world grew tight. Nothing was safe.

Usually Gabriel had some sense of what caused it, but now and again there was no immediate answer. Sometimes it emerged simply from solitude or exhaustion. Sometimes he was bothered by a sight, sound, or smell and couldn’t figure out why it upset him. But no matter where the feeling began, it was recognizable as the same sense of raw vulnerability he’d known throughout his imprisonment.

It was evening when the feeling overcame him again. Just as Gabriel was getting up from the bed to inform the others he wouldn’t be joining them for dinner, someone knocked at his door.

“Gabriel.” Castiel stepped inside, looking concerned. “Everyone sat down to eat half an hour ago.”

“I’m taking a rain check,” said Gabriel.

“I can’t say that surprises me, but I still think you should come out and have something.”

“As a matter of fact, I was just on my way to let y’all know that I’m not late, I’m absent. If you need a doctor’s note I’ll hand Sam an index card and a Sharpie.”

Castiel glanced into the hallway, then shuffled further in and shut the door. “What’s the matter?”

Gabriel sighed and lowered himself back onto the bed. “Me. I’m the matter. That’s not news.”

Castiel came to sit beside him. “Whatever’s upsetting you, it will pass.”

After a moment of silence, Cas gently wrapped his fingers around Gabriel’s wrist. Gabriel jerked back.

“It’s okay,” Castiel soothed. “It’s okay, Gabriel. I only wanted to feel your pulse.”

“Could you not have specified that before groping me?!”

“I’m sorry.” This time Castiel was slow and careful, touching before gripping. “Your heartbeat. It’s rapid.”

“That’s what happens when your grace bottoms out. Vessel starts acting like there’s no angel inside of it.”

“I know. Can I help?”

Gabriel looked away. “Probably not.”

“May I try?”

Gabriel raised his eyes again. “That depends on your method.”

“Why don’t you explain what’s on your mind, and I’ll see what I can do?”

Gabriel fidgeted. “I don’t know what’s going on with me. Sam can tell you about how I get this stupid sense of being in a nightmare. Scared. Sick. Like I’m in Hell again. Anyway, it sucks but I’ll live.”

“You might feel better with some food, don’t you think?”

“No. I don’t think. You wanna know what I think? I think this is getting old.”

Cas gave him a light touch on the shoulder, and this time Gabriel didn’t flinch. “You’re doing a good job. Maybe you don’t believe that, but the rest of us have faith that you’ll eventually be all right.”

Gabriel remained silent.

“Would you like me to tell Sam to come and see you after dinner?” Castiel asked him.

“Oh - ” Gabriel relaxed a little. “That’d be great.”

“I’ll let him know.” Castiel got to his feet. “Is there anything else you’d find helpful?”

“No. When I get like this it’s … it’s hard to claw my way out of it.”

“Then at least let me remind you that no one is going to hurt you.” Cas hesitated before adding, “It’s difficult for me to understand the feeling you’ve described, because I don’t believe I’ve experienced it for myself. That being said, I’ve certainly faced my fair share of horrors, and … my assistance isn’t limited to midnight emergencies. I’m here to listen. We all are.”

Gabriel offered a thin smile. “That’s real nice of you, kid.”

“You’ve suffered a great deal. No one wants to see you endure any more pain. But don’t forget your obligation - to us and to yourself.”

“Right, to be less of a pain in the - ”

“To accept our help.”

Gabriel narrowed his eyes. “Did you learn that from Sam or did he get it from you?”

Castiel smiled at him. “You’ve known me too long to believe I could ever think of it on my own. Sam and Dean are compassionate people. I try to keep up.” He moved towards the door. Just as his hand rested on the knob, he turned back to Gabriel. “I’ll inform Sam that you’d like his company.” Then he left, gently closing the door behind him.

As soon as Gabriel was left on his own again, the terrible feeling grew stronger. His flesh crawled, and he could feel his heart thumping against the nausea in his throat.

_Cram it,_ he told his mind, but to no avail.

Perhaps he should have asked his brother to stay.

Of all the residents of the bunker, Castiel was the most promising candidate for dealing with Gabriel’s worst moments. He didn’t need to sleep, and the two of them had been witness to what only siblings ever see: the growth and change of a family and of each other.

Nevertheless, Sam was the one person with whom Gabriel felt completely safe almost all the time. In theory, no one in the bunker should seem threatening - but sometimes they did. Whether it was purely because Sam had been the one to guide Gabriel through the first several hours after his rescue, or due to something that Gabriel couldn’t quite identify, Sam was always the exception.

At moments like this, when Gabriel found himself suffocated with fear, Sam was the only one who didn’t feel like an ominous character in a bad dream.

But half an hour later, when someone knocked once more, it wasn’t Sam.

“Hey Gabe,” said Dean, stepping inside. “Sam’s not feeling well. He needs to rest up.”

“What?” Gabriel jumped to his feet. “What’s wrong with him?”

“Nothing to get scared about. Just a bad headache is all. He figured me or Cas could come give you a hand. Guess you’re a little shaken up right now, huh?”

Gabriel’s chest tightened as he sat back down. “Little bit.”

“You need to talk?”

“No. I mean, I know that’s not exactly your pastime of choice.”

“I can deal. Not like I haven’t stuck around for this before. I’ll get Cas if that’s better, though.”

“No. No, it’s all good. And you don’t have to worry about staying, Dean-o. Good of you to come check on me, but - ”

“Stop right there and don’t give me that crap about letting it wear off on its own. If you can’t have Sam here you gotta let me or Cas keep watch for a while. Otherwise you’re going to space out on us. So what did you need?”

Sam, Gabriel wanted to say, but didn’t. “I don’t know. It’s hard to figure what’d make a difference. Just trying not to completely lose control of myself. I was alone and all of a sudden there came that stupid feeling again. The feeling like I’m still down there with - with him.”

“Okay, so … distraction?”

Gabriel shook his head. “Sam’s always trying to get me to think about something else, but it doesn’t do any good.”

Dean lowered himself to sit beside Gabriel. “Here, why don’t you get yourself ready for bed? Take a shower, try to calm down a little bit. Sam said it’s good if you have somebody stick around while you’re falling asleep, so I’ll stand sentry tonight, okay?”

“No,” Gabriel answered at once. “That’s ridiculous. You need sleep and I can spend one friggin’ night without a wet nurse.”

“I’m already here. Go clean up and I’ll wait for you.”

Reluctantly, Gabriel climbed off the bed. “Are you sure Sam’s okay? Because if there’s anything I can do for him - ”

“He’s fine. Like I said, headache.”

Yet something about the whole turn of events gave Gabriel an odd feeling. Of course he was worried about Sam, but it wasn’t just that. “Dean … what’s really going on with him?”

“Nothing. He’s fine.”

“Dean?”

A pause, and then Dean said, “You think he’s upset with you.”

“I mean, I’d be upset with me.”

Dean sighed. “He’s not, man. He’s … look, Sammy’s been pushing himself a little too hard lately. It’s got nothing to do with you and everything to do with … everything.”

Gabriel stiffened. “Lately I’ve been a pretty big part of his ‘everything.’”

“No, I know, and that’s okay. He wants to help.”

The unsaid sparked in the air like a broken wire.

“Tell me what happened,” Gabriel demanded.

“He just, uh ...” Dean hesitated.

But Gabriel said, “It’s okay, Dean. I’m not totally beyond reasoning through all this like a sane person would. Sam’s been giving me more attention and support than _anyone_ deserves, especially not me. And as freaked out as I am when I think about him having to take a step back, it’s … I know it’s not because he doesn’t want to help. It’s because there are limits for everyone. No matter whether they’re because of an under-medicated divinity or a case that can’t be solved.”

Dean looked relieved. “Exactly. He’s tired. Just taking a break. Not your fault. So - do you want me to hang around?”

“Actually, there’s something I forgot to tell my brother. Let me just - ”

“Nah, I got it; wait here.” Dean stood up. “Hey, Gabe - you sure you’re all right, man? I heard what you told me, but you look a little upset.”

“I’m not upset. I have resting emo face.”

While Dean was gone, Gabriel let the dark feeling roll through him again, watched the world grow sinister, listened to the jumpy rhythm of his graceless heart.

Castiel came in a few minutes later and sat on the bed. “Dean told me you needed - ”

Gabriel collapsed against his brother and seized him in a desperate embrace.

Castiel placed one hand on the back of Gabriel’s head. “I’m here; it’s all right.”

Gabriel closed his eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

Gabriel only shook his head,

“Very well,” Cas muttered. “When you’re ready.”

They sat in silence until Gabriel spoke in a strangled whisper. “If I could stop any of this, I would. I’m just … I’m lost, Castiel. And I hate that all I can do right now is ask you guys to keep me from falling apart.”

“I know. But you shouldn’t put yourself through unnecessary hardship. Worry when it’s time to worry; otherwise, handle your darkest moments with the same gentleness we would.”

“That’s not happening.”

“Not yet, perhaps, but someday.”

“No.” Gabriel sat up and let go. “Sam - he - ”

“Sam is weighed down by his own trauma. He doesn’t like to show it, and every now and again the process of fighting with himself leads to an inability to focus on anything else. He’s overwhelmed by the past, Gabriel. It’s not because you did something wrong.”

“Castiel, I - it’s like I need him all the _time_. Night and day. I’ve never let him set boundaries. I just _fling_ myself at him. And the poor kid doesn’t complain. He’s gonna run himself into the ground trying to fix the unfixable.”

“Gabriel, Sam isn’t a ‘kid.’ He can make his own choices about what he’s willing to provide. Besides, even if there are some things that can’t be fixed - and there are certainly fewer than you believe - he wants to comfort you in the short term. I know he intends for you to get back to who you were, but this isn’t a project. It’s not a puzzle to be solved. _You_ are not a puzzle to be solved. You’re his friend, and he wants to see you through this no matter how long it takes.”

“But what’s long to you and me isn’t the same as what’s long to humans.”

“That’s irrelevant, since Sam doesn’t care.”

Gabriel bit his lip. “Maybe I should talk to him.”

Castiel’s eyes bore a quiet sadness as he looked at Gabriel. “I think he wants to be left in peace.”

A new feeling, a different kind of horror, interrupted the one that had haunted Gabriel up to this point. “Tell me what he said.”

“Brother - ”

“Tell me what he said. I need to know. Cas, I need to know what this is. It doesn’t feel right at all.”

“You don’t have to take care of Sam. We can handle that.”

“When I said I understood, when I said that I wasn’t surprised - I could tell Dean agrees that I push too hard. He _knows,_ Castiel.”

“All right,” Castiel said softly. “All right. Will you let me touch you?”

“No. I have to know what’s going on.”

“I promise I’m not going to hurt you.”

“Just tell me what’s happening!” Gabriel was trembling now, terrified by the very real possibility of losing Sam. “Don’t make me sit here and wonder!”

“I’ll tell you,” Castiel assured him, “But only if you settle down. I don’t want you to work yourself into a panic.”

Gabriel made an effort to relax his shoulders. He took a deep breath. Anything to convince Castiel that he was ready to listen.

“All right.” Castiel looked him squarely in the face. “You’re not wrong. Sam _has_ been dealing with a lot over these last several months. He took it upon himself to guide you through the aftermath of prolonged abuse. That was his decision. But yes, he’s exhausted. He hasn’t admitted to any of us how painful it can be for him to rework his way through memories that are sometimes brutally familiar.”

Gabriel clasped his hands together to try and conceal how badly they were shaking. “So what happened?”

Cas hesitated.

“Castiel,” Gabriel pleaded.

Castiel measured his words with care. “Sam grew anxious over dinner. I think it may have had something to do with Jack asking unexpected questions about Lucifer. I had to remove Sam from the kitchen when he became frantic. And in the course of this sudden attack of terror he … he confessed to having felt progressively more disturbed since allowing you to share some of your own experiences. But it isn’t you, Gabriel. It’s Hell. This is what Hell does to people. Both Sam and Dean tend to conceal their most debilitating emotions, and I can’t pretend to be much better. But Gabriel, don’t forget that you persisted in asking Sam if he felt uneasy, and he said no. I’ve cornered him more than once for the same reason. Time and again, he insisted that he was fine. Until tonight, he’d given us no reason to suspect that he was hiding anything.”

Gabriel’s voice rose in pitch. “He had nightmares. He woke up when he was staying with me and said he was dreaming about Lucifer.”

“Of course he was dreaming about Lucifer. That’s neither new nor surprising. No matter how much or how little you divulged, Sam would have been haunted by those visions.”

“But it’s - it was obvious. I knew what I was doing to him. Christ - ”

“Gabriel, calm down. You are not the culprit of Sam’s distress. Only Lucifer can be held accountable, much like Asmodeus is responsible for your current state.”

“Sam must be so pissed at me,” Gabriel whispered.

“Don’t presume to know how Sam feels towards you. He’s afraid but not deluded: he doesn’t blame you for anything, because he does see the same helplessness in you that he carries within himself. He wants you to be well and has lost sight of his own needs not because you denied him access to them, but because he denied himself.”

“I can’t give him up,” Gabriel blurted out. “I can’t. I should but I can’t.” 

“I doubt you need to concern yourself with that. Sam asked about you while I was trying to console him. He reminded all three of us that you don’t like to fall asleep unaccompanied. Jack offered to take his place - I suspect partly because he felt guilty for asking the questions that triggered Sam’s behavior - but Dean volunteered.”

“Where is Sam now?”

“At the moment he needs to - ”

“I’m not going to see him; I just want to know if he’s okay.”

Before Castiel could reply, there was yet another knock at the door. Castiel got up to open it.

Leaning against the door frame, Sam gave a weak smile. His eyes were rimmed red and his cheeks splotched.

Gabriel averted his eyes, sickened by this reminder of what he had done to to the only person he fully trusted.

“Cas,” said Sam in a hoarse voice, “You think I could talk to Gabriel alone for a minute?”

Cas glanced at Gabriel, who nodded.

Once they had privacy, Sam came to sit beside Gabriel. “Sorry, I know you were looking for me earlier.”

“Cas gave me the short version of things.”

Sam tensed. “Oh.”

“You should’ve told me, Sam. I asked you. Why didn’t you say it was getting to be more than you could handle?”

Sam rubbed the back of his neck and looked down. “It isn’t usually.”

“No. No. Shut up. Cas said he had to keep you from having a complete breakdown. And he told me what you told him.”

Sam jerked his head up. “He wasn’t supposed to do that.”

“I forced it out of him. I had to know.”

“No - Gabriel, it’s fine. Sometimes I start thinking about Lucifer and … I mean, yeah, some of what you say hits a little close to home. But it’s not you. I promise it’s not you.”

“So I’ve been informed,” Gabriel said tartly.

“Well, look …” Sam slid both hands through his hair. “I guess what I’m starting to see is … is there’s some stuff maybe I can’t listen to.”

“And why in Dad’s name didn’t you keep me up to date on what that stuff was?”

“Because …” Sam fixed his eyes on the floor again. “Because it’s most of what you talk about.”

Dread and shame washed in equal measure through Gabriel’s blood. “Okay, so … what now?”

“Huh?”

“What’re you gonna do? I can’t have you trying to patch up my infected wounds when you’re bleeding out yourself. That’d do more damage to me than anything - thinking about how I was messing with you like that.”

“You know I want to help.”

“Well yeah, but - ”

“I _want_ to help,” Sam repeated, “But I think that … that when something sets me off ... I don’t know. Maybe I _can’t_ help, Gabe. I think this’ll make things worse for you - me being able to listen sometimes and then ditching you the second I hear something I don’t like. You deserve better than what I’ve been able to - ”

“Nope. Stop. There is an exactly zero percent chance that I’m going to listen to this spiel again. You’ve done more than enough, and you _know_ that.”

“Gabriel, if I’m not stable enough to help you, then you might end up being right.”

“Right about what?”

“Right about … about not getting better.”

Gabriel felt a violent surge of nausea. “No no no, don’t say that. _Don’t._ Don’t make it sound like - Sam, just _don’t._ ” He swallowed, trying to quell the sudden onset of sickness. “I don’t know what I can do here; I don’t know what I’m asking for. Of course I don’t deserve better than what you’ve given me. Even if you were shit at this, I _still_ wouldn’t deserve better. You - you’re not - ”

“Gabriel, come on, don’t wind yourself up.”

Gabriel wrapped his arms around his abdomen, a position he reverted to every time he found himself desperate or frightened. “What do I do? You’re hurting, and at least some of that is my fault. I don’t wanna watch you deal with any kind of pain. And I especially don’t want you to be extra run down because you’re trying to help me climb out of this trash pit. You deserve to feel okay, Sam; you deserve to put Lucifer a million miles behind you and keep living your life. But right now you’re sick too. You’re sick like me - not as messy, but still sick. And I’m making you sicker.”

“Gabriel - ”

“You can’t get better if you have to listen to me rant about being tortured, or watch me sobbing like an infant over some stupid dream, or pull that damn bucket out of your closet so that I don’t hurl all over your sheets.” On impulse, Gabriel seized Sam’s hand. “Son of a bitch, why didn’t you _tell_ me?”

Sam avoided his eyes. “I guess I didn’t really notice.”

“So you’ve just been trucking along without ever stopping to make sure you were in one piece?”

“Gabe, whether I’m okay doesn’t really phase me since I’ve never been anywhere near what most people would consider ‘okay.’ But so long as I’m bad enough to forget how to function, I can’t be any use to you.”

Dread coiled in Gabriel’s stomach.

Sam squeezed his hand. “It’s not that I don’t want to keep going. It’s that you’re not going to get anywhere if I can’t hold myself together. I thought I could, Gabriel, but it looks like maybe I can’t. I don’t want to make you worse. Or keep you from moving forward.”

“Do you expect yourself to be perfect?” Gabriel’s voice trembled, but he gave a faint smile as he added, “You think you signed up to be my guardian angel or something?”

“It’s not that I have to be perfect. It’s just …”

Gabriel waited.

“It’s that I know I’m about as far from perfect as anyone can be,” Sam finished in a low voice.

Gabriel put his other hand on top of Sam’s, remembering how Sam had done it for him after his rescue from Asmodeus. “Quit spewing melodramatic horseshit like that. You’re so sweet and self-sacrificing you could star in your own Christmas Hallmark movie. Sam, you …” He took a deep breath, trying to make the next words come more easily. “You can stop taking care of me. If - if you think it’s time for that.”

“For your sake,” Sam answered quietly, “I probably should.”

Gabriel’s throat tightened. “Yes. Quit giving me the illusion that this is okay for you, and that I have any right to your help in the first place. I _want_ you to - to - ” But he faltered.

Sam looked puzzled. “You want me to what?”

Gabriel swallowed against the tightness in his throat. “I freakin’ _need_ you, Sam. I just - listen, you have to get away from me. You do. I don’t want you to break your soul trying to heal me. And I say that, and - and right away I want to throw myself at you and scream. I don’t want you to leave. You gotta ignore that; you’ve _got_ to shut me out no matter what I say. I don’t know why I even told you that; I don’t - I don’t know.” Gabriel released a sob. “So you’ll just - you’ll keep tormenting yourself while I scrape you raw. And you’ll take it; you’ll let me tear you apart.”

“Gabriel, no - hey - ” Sam leaned forward to try and embrace him with his free arm, but Gabriel let go of Sam’s hand and edged away.

“See this?” he choked. “See how I can’t go five minutes without crying like an honors student who lost the spelling bee to a jock? You know what we call that in the school of common sense, Sam?” Now Gabriel let the tears creep unchecked down his face. “Manipulation. I’m playing you. I don’t mean to, but that doesn’t make it any less poisonous. And if ever there was a time for you to back out, it’s now.”

Sam shook his head, looking pained.

“You’re not obligated to bring me back to life, Sam. Think about it: I go to my brother on a regular basis anyway. He’s not like you; he’s - he’s Cas, and he doesn’t have your…” Gabriel struggled for the right word. “Whatever it is you have. But he’s not sick. Not like you, not like me.”

Sam’s face became more serious. “Gabriel, that’s not true. Cas isn’t okay either. He hasn’t been for a long time. We’re all screwed up. You seriously think you’re the only one who doesn’t know how to function? Or that I’m the only one of us who gets scared of my own shadow?”

“Well it’s not like that that makes any of this better!”

“We _understand,_ Gabe. We understand what you’re up against. I mean, not exactly; we’ve seen different things, faced different kinds of torture. But all of us know what it’s like to be in your place.”

Gabriel scoffed. “So you understand. That’s exactly what’s driving you away. You can’t deal with hearing about being held captive. And I don’t blame you. I only wish you’d told me sooner so that you could catch a break and I could prepare myself.”

Sam’s shoulders slumped. “The truth is I don’t know where to go from here, man. I might ruin you.”

“ _Jesus,_ Sam, will you knock it off? That isn’t what this is about. This is about you being in pain, not me being a needy little bitch. I mean, sure, that’s what’s caused this mess, but you get what I’m trying to say.”

“I really don’t,” Sam told him. “It sounds like on the one hand you’d be okay with me leaving because you think it’s the right thing for both of us. On the other … it seems like you’ll do whatever it takes to hold on.”

Gabriel scrubbed the heels of his hands over his cheeks. “I know. And I’m sorry. It’s because I’m split in half over this. But what _I_ think doesn’t matter, because you need to make sure you’re all right. Please, Sam. _Please_ take care of yourself.”

Sam looked almost frightened.

“Sam,” said Gabriel, “Pay attention to what you need.”

“I can’t,” Sam muttered.

“Yes you can. You have to.”

Sam shook his head.

“Why not?” Gabriel pleaded.

Sam’s eyes glistened with tears. “Because I don’t know how.”

Gabriel’s heart sank. He reached out to touch Sam’s arm. “Sam.”

“It’s not up to you to worry about me,” Sam mumbled.

“Zip it. You should’ve mentioned this _months_ ago. Of course I’m worried about you. I’ve been worried about you since you started looking after me, because I knew there was a good chance that it’d make you squirm. You’ve been suffering, and now I have to push you away because you don’t know what’s good for you.”

When Sam responded, his voice was soft. “You’re wrong. It’s not about me. It’s about you being better off getting help from someone who can give it to you.”

Gabriel slid his hand away.

“Just because,” Sam went on, “This whole thing has made me realize that I might slow you down. I feel like - ”

“Okay.” Gabriel realized he was shaking, and made an effort to still himself. “Okay, hold up. I gotta tell you something.” Instinctively, he seized Sam by the arm with both hands. “Sam, I don’t _care_ how long this takes. Not as long as I get to do it with you.”

Sam blinked at him.

“I know I keep telling you to quit,” Gabriel went on, “But if the only reason you’re seriously thinking about giving up is because you think _you’re_ the one who’s not good enough, then just - just - ”

“Look, Gabe - ”

“You’re wrong. You’re right about a lot of things, and I trust you, but Dad help me if I’m gonna sit here and listen to you roast yourself. I need you to help me, Sam. I don’t deserve it but I need it. If you stop, I want it to be because you don’t believe in me, not because you don’t believe in yourself. And I swear if you make me spew any more tripe worthy of Cinderella’s personal stash of Harlequin Romances, I’ll get Dean and Castiel in here to bully you into an acceptable level of self-esteem.”

Sam gazed at him with something like resignation - or perhaps it was simply exhaustion.

“Do what’s healthy for you, Sam,” Gabriel continued. “What do you want? What would be the best choice? Forget me; pretend I’m not part of the equation. What would make you happy?”

Sam shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“Then pick something!”

Sam searched Gabriel’s face, as though he might find the correct response there. Then: “I’m not leaving. Not if you’re asking me to choose what _I_ want. Because I want to help, Gabriel. As much as I can. You need it and I want to give it. But …”

“But sometimes,” Gabriel offered, tightening his grip, “You get freaked out. That’s all right. I just wish you’d told me the truth when I asked if you were okay.”

“I did tell the truth. I thought I was able to listen to anything.” Sam gave a faint smile. “Guess there’s a reason pride is one of the Seven Deadly Sins, huh?”

“You’re not proud. You’re afraid. Afraid of all those memories, afraid of Lucifer, afraid that someone’ll see how terrified you are and try to step in.” Gabriel released Sam in order to rest his head upon Sam’s shoulder, too tired now to oscillate between shoving him away and wrenching him back in. “You’re _good,_ Sam. You’re good at what you do. And you’re still good when you’re not doing anything. Stay and help me if that’s what you really want. But how about sending a memo when I start blah-blah-blahing about things you don’t wanna remember? I’ll find Cas; I’ll find Dean. Whatever, they know how to hold my head over the toilet. And honestly - this should go without saying - the farther you stretch yourself, the guiltier I’m going to feel.”

Sam frowned. “But what if you wake up in the middle of the night and it really has to be me?”

“Then I’ll remind myself that it _doesn’t_ have to be you. In any case, it’d be good for me to start trusting Dean and Cas more. Maybe I won’t have as many nightmares about those two handing me over to Asmodeus.”

Almost absentmindedly, Sam wrapped an arm around him. “Guess you could be right.”

“That’s better. Hey, keep something in mind, Sam: I’m broken. Permanently. I’m scared of everything and I hate myself. But I’m _not_ stupid. And only a stupid person would see you as anything but good.”

Sam pulled away to examine him. “Speaking of being scared, are you better than before I came in?”

“Sufficiently frustrated with you and your stubbornness that I’m no longer drowning in my own terror.”

Sam smiled.

Someone rapped at the door and opened it before either of them could respond.

Castiel frowned as he surveyed them. “I think you two had better rest. It’s late.”

“Cas,” said Gabriel, “Come in here for a sec.”

Castiel shut the door, ever conscious of the potential for behavior that Gabriel might not want anyone else to see. “Are you all right?”

“Are you?”

The question took Castiel by surprise. “Right now? That seems like an odd thing to bring up.”

“Well, I figured maybe it’d been a while since anyone asked.”

Castiel glanced at Sam, perhaps thinking that he could offer an explanation for Gabriel’s strange inquiry.

“Answer the question,” said Sam.

“Um.” Castiel turned back to his brother. “I’m fine. Sam, are you feeling better?”

“A little bit.”

“And Gabriel?”

Gabriel shrugged. “On a scale of ‘me usually’ to ‘me never,’ I’m at about ‘me sometimes.’”

“Well,” said Cas, “I’ll stay in here with you tonight, unless you would rather have Dean.”

“No,” Sam interjected, “I’m already here.”

Castiel shook his head. “Not tonight, Sam.”

“I got it. Really. Tomorrow we can switch it up if you want.”

Castiel looked apprehensive. “Is that what both of you prefer?”

“We’re good,” Gabriel assured him. Sam raised his eyebrows, perhaps having expected Gabriel to reject Sam’s offer.

Castiel nodded. “Then … good night.” He turned around and made to open the door, but Gabriel said, “Hang on, little brother.”

Cas looked back.

“Go chill for a while,” said Gabriel. “You saw what just happened to Sam. I don’t want you to head down the same road.”

Castiel looked confused for a moment, and then recognition dawned on his face. “When I told you that I’ve faced my own trials, I didn’t mean to alarm you.”

“Just making sure you know you don’t always have to be at the helm of this whole twisted operation. Taking care of me, taking care of Sam. It’s nice of you, but be careful.”

“I see. That’s … very thoughtful of you.”

Gabriel gave a knowing smile. “We’re all set over here. Go relax for five minutes, would you?”

Castiel nodded, still a little perplexed. “I will.”

After he’d left, Sam and Gabriel both got to their feet.

“I’ll be right back,” Sam said. “Gonna grab some reading material.” Typically, while he waited for Gabriel to fall asleep, Sam passed the time by poring over the Men of Letters’ endless body of texts on the supernatural.

“Oh,” said Gabriel, “Right. Prepping to curl up in the corner until I’m fully unconscious.”

Sam shrugged. “Yeah.”

“I’m not letting you camp out on the floor, you idiot. You’ve earned an actual night’s rest.”

“It’s okay; I’ll leave once you’re asleep.”

“No you won’t. You’re a limp noodle. You’re going to pass out before I do.”

Sam scrubbed a hand over his face. “Fine. Then we can just share the bed. I don’t mind that.”

“Yeah you do. I regularly wake up puking on myself. I’ll sleep on the floor so that you can - ”

“ _Regularly?_ ”

“I mean I don’t keep a log, but - ”

“You should’ve said something!”

“Did we not just have a whole seminar about this?”

“Look,” said Sam, “Either I’m getting on the floor or we can bunk together. Put a bucket next to the bed.”

“I do! But I can’t think straight after I’ve been kicking and screaming while Asmodeus skins me down to the bone.”

“Gabriel, dude … ”

“So as long as you’re willing to risk a 4:00 A.M. change of bedding - ” 

“Okay,” Sam interrupted, “I’m tired. We can talk about this in the morning.”

“All right. Godspeed, Sam.”

Sam’s face softened. “Gabe, this isn’t about you wanting to keep the sheets clean, is it? This is because you think I’m going to get angry.”

Gabriel bit his lip.

Sam laid a hand on Gabriel’s shoulder. “It’s all okay. Get ready to go to bed and try not to worry.”

Gabriel turned his gaze to the floor.

“I’ll be right back, okay?” Sam said.

Without looking up, Gabriel replied, “Go change out of your lesbian lumberjack uniform.”

Sam patted him on the shoulder. “Hold tight.”

While Sam was out of the room, Gabriel hurried into his own pajamas. He hated to feel exposed even when he knew he was permitted solitude, and that no one here would take advantage of his vulnerability.

Only as he lay down did Gabriel realize that his head ached from fatigue. He hoped he wouldn’t wake in a panic within the next few hours. Somehow this felt like the best chance he would ever get to convince Sam to stay.

It was a constant push-and-pull with Gabriel these days: begging Sam to leave, and then pleading with him to remain.

Just as the door opened again, Gabriel told himself that - for now - he could let Sam help. It was only a matter of time until Sam came to realize his own worth.

But what would happen next?

_Worry when it’s time to worry,_ Castiel had said. 

Maybe worrying could wait.


End file.
